


The Sun Inside

by bfcure



Series: My Fics in English [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 18:04:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10702269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bfcure/pseuds/bfcure
Summary: Claire remembers what it was like, to be an angel's vessel...





	The Sun Inside

**Author's Note:**

> Coda to 12*16 (sort of).  
> English is not my first language, so please, be kind!

The ghost disappears in the whirl of sparks; Claire is almost sure it smiled at her. Perhaps Mr. Jason Carter didn’t like his afterlife as vengeful spirit and was happy to leave this plane of existing behind. Waiting for the flames to fade is dangerous: someone might see her but Claire doesn’t want to add desecration of the grave to her pile of sins. Vandalism is not cool, kids. That’s why, when the fire finally goes out, she reaches for her shovel.

When Claire returns to the motel, tired and covered in mud, the sunrise paints the sky in mixture of pinks, reds and oranges. She’s lucky that motel owners don’t ask for names or IDs. The water in the shower is lukewarm; Claire doesn’t even flinch. She takes a bar of soap and begins to wash the mud off. 

Cold means nothing to her. She is not afraid of anything. Maybe this statement is a lie, and Claire is scared, she just got used to this feeling and stopped paying attention to it. Sometimes her terror manages to manifest itself though, through fury, sarcasm and angry tears. But her heart doesn’t stop any more, doesn’t beat in her throat, threating to suffocate her. Claire thinks it’s a good thing. She doesn’t start when Impala appears from around the corner of the street; she looks at Dean and Sam with calm and doesn’t tell them their car haunts her in her dreams about that night when she lost her father forever. That night Claire lost her mother, too, she just didn’t know it then. She doesn’t blame the brothers, at least, not consciously. Dean and Sam are always there when she needs them. It’s the truth. But still Claire waits for something bad to happen. Alex says it’s an engraved reaction. Claire agrees but that doesn’t bring any comfort.

She doesn’t tell Alex and Jody about the hunt when Dean, Sam and Mick Davies saved her life. It’s not that she is secretive or ashamed. Just… the fact that she tried to take the gun, going to kill herself because she was bitten and started transforming into the monster without thinking about the options first must scare her. Claire does not care now and didn’t care then. It’s a little unsettling, that she doesn’t appreciate being alive. Dean, Sam and Mick found the cure, Mick was kind to her. So Claire is going to forgive him for the tan trench coat and for taking someone else’s place. Castiel’s place. 

Claire remembers what it was like, to be the vessel of the multidimensional wave of God’s intent, so bright and pure that it put sunlight to shame. If someone asked her to describe Castiel in one word, she would say: “The TARDIS”. Like the spaceship of the Doctor, Castiel is bigger on the inside (the wave of God’s intent doesn’t have limits) and exists in every point in time and space. It must be very hard, to know what happened and what will happen and to go forward, listening only to your breaking heart, not trying to change the outcome. Claire doubts she could bear such pain without desire to die.

Castiel did not promise to save everyone. He said: “Let me in and I’ll try to do anything I can”. Her father was bleeding to death; demon took her mother’s body and told the other demons to kill Claire, so she nodded. It was enough to let the bright hot sun inside. The sun did not burn her; it drove the fear away and destroyed the ropes holding her. Claire (Castiel) moved with ease, as if they walked on water. Claire felt the power gathering at her fingertips. Demons had to die. Their faces and bodies inside human vessels were twisted and ugly and viscous, sticky darkness curled around them. Claire watched them to turn into ashes, and it felt right.

She misses it the most, this feeling of rightness, this knowledge that the truth is on your side.

When Claire leaves the room, the sun almost made it to zenith. She closes her eyes and let it warm her skin. She thinks: there is one thing she is afraid of. That’s why she almost never answers Castiel’s messages and calls. Because if he needs something from her, Claire will say yes.


End file.
